Signs & portents: 2014 in detail (if it’s your birthday today)

January 2014

MEN

Although, by & large, the fates have generally admired your “can-do” attitude, they warn that January may well see your catchphrase “never say die” prove both incorrect & inadequate for the horror which awaits you at the church fête’s tombola stall.

WOMEN

The fates point out that although your campaign for elected office has been going well so far, you continue to face serious obstacles to your eventual selection, including your sentencing in January for fraud, embezzlement & littering.

WIT & WISDOM

Rose-tinted spectacles are de rigeur for looking back.

February 2014

MEN

Your perspective on life in February will truly be out of this world, say the fates, who add that following the tornado, the only thing you can be sure of is that “this ain’t Kansas”. They also suggest eating the dog, shooting the lion, setting the scarecrow ablaze & pissing all over the tin man just to watch him rust.

WOMEN

You little thought as a young girl from the wrong side of the tracks, say the fates, that one day you’d be standing in an expensive & luxurious apartment in the most desirable part of town, smiling down on your sleeping rich & handsome husband, & his secretary.

WIT & WISDOM

The line between perspicacity & venom is rarely observed in the blogosphere.

March 2014

MEN

Trying to buy the love of your children is distasteful, say the fates, adding that it is all the more so after you have sold them to a local pimp in March.

WOMEN

There is no excuse, say the fates, for the appalling lack of trust you have shown in your husband over the last 12 months. Which perhaps goes some way to explaining why in March he will be eloping with the private detective that you have had trailing him for the past year.

WIT & WISDOM

When someone asks how you are, it is important not to actually tell them, for everybody’s sake.

April 2014

MEN

Your last chance for happiness will arrive at 4:02 am on April 1st, predict the fates, who add that you will snore through the entire missed opportunity, as usual.

WOMEN

In April you will prove that your husband’s assertion that he isn’t made of money is hardly accurate, say the fates, when you come to cash the cheques from the blood bank & Indian transplant clinic.

WIT & WISDOM

There is only ever a limited amount of time in which to apologise.

May 2014

MEN

By an amazing coincidence, say the fates, the truck that will drag your mangled remains for several hundred metres along the highway in May, will be driven by your wife’s personal masseur, confidant & insurance agent.

WOMEN

The fates warn against over-confidence in May, suggesting that whilst it might be true that you feel like you can fly, there seems a chance that the LSD might well be a contributing factor.

WIT & WISDOM

Many times are sometimes still not enough.

June 2014

MEN

June, say the fates, will see the innocent freed & the just rewarded. For you the picture is less rosy, they add, & may well involve significant losses, both in terms of cash & personal liberty.

WOMEN

Trying to do the “right thing” has always been one of your strongest character traits, say the fates, who continue that June may well be the month, when you are forced to address the issue of what exactly constitutes “right” rather than “personally expedient”. Particularly as the prosecuting counsel finishes-up her opening address.

WIT & WISDOM

Try not to get too excited by politics; it tends to make you look desperate for something to talk about.

July 2014

MEN

There will never be a better time than July, say the fates, to mend your ways; in truth they might better say that “there may never be enough time” which would be more chronologically accurate.

WOMEN

The visit by your family will remind you in July, predict the fates, that blood is thicker than water. They go on to recommend a good biological detergent, cold water & plenty of elbow grease to remove the most obvious examples & moving the furniture to cover the rest.

WIT & WISDOM

it’s not being wrong that hurts so much, it’s being wrong because someone neglected to give you all of the information.

August 2014

MEN

Try to keep your chin up, in August, advise the fates, as the rescue team won’t reach your flooded cellar until September 5th..

WOMEN

The fate warn of strange omens & portents in August; which let’s face it, isn’t much use to anyone.

WIT & WISDOM

Checking under the bed for monsters never hurts & can sometimes prove an interesting topic of conversation with a new partner.

September 2014

MEN

Your love of speed will land you in trouble in September, say the fates, after a mandatory drugs test at the end of the 800 metres.

WOMEN

Good news in September, predict the fates, when your third husband proves much easier to handle than the first two, although frankly, the log-chipper isn’t going to be much use for anything afterwards.

WIT & WISDOM

A stitch in time can often help an hospital’s position in government league tables.

October 2014

MEN

A deep sense of peace will overcome you during October, say the fates, swiftly followed by unconsciousness & death from asphyxiation.

WOMEN

Your career is on the move in October, say the fates, who predict a long & ultimately unsuccessful (from your point of view) police car-chase following your failure to disable the bank’s alarm system on a timely basis.

WIT & WISDOM

There are times when nothing you can say can make things better, Thursday morning at around 3:15 am is a case in point.

November 2014

MEN

Take care in November, warn the fates, to ensure that you take careful note of your surroundings, adding that danger lurks in the most unexpected places – including underneath the lawn mower with the faulty braking system & jammed throttle that is being ridden by your rather unhappy & very unfulfilled wife.

WOMEN

Try & keep cheerful in November, say the fates, as you may find that a positive mental attitude helps you to avoid being sectioned after the unfortunate escapade with the fire engine, dried squid & Brownie troop.

WIT & WISDOM

Nobody ever got promoted for not spending the company’s money.

December 2014

MEN

The year end will see you reach a major crossroads in your career say the fates, who add that it would be good if you could try & paint the word “STOP” in regular white paint this time, rather than your personal favourite of charcoal grey.

WOMEN

Try as you might in December, warn the fates, you just won’t seem to be able to resist including the brilliant obituary you have written for your boss in the company newsletter – & boy, is he going to be pissed!

WIT & WISDOM

Butterflies serve no useful purpose whatsoever, which makes them all the more enjoyable.

2014horoscopes

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