Dear Agony Aunts
I think I may have inadvertently harmed my boyfriend in a recent argument over how to spell “spaghetti” during a drunken game of Scrabble. I certainly hit him fairly hard with the coffee table & it’s true that in the two or three days since he hasn’t actually moved or spoken; but he’s stopped bleeding & I’m sure that must be a good sign!
He is beginning to smell a bit (men!) & I feel sure that sooner or later someone is going to miss him at work – he is a member of the cabinet.
Well there is some good news at least – you have indeed spelt “spaghetti” properly! After that things don’t look quite so rosy, but I’m sure we can help.
We’re afraid that the smell (& we know what you mean about men & their hygiene generally) & the fact that the bleeding has stopped does suggest that you boyfriend won’t be leaving without some serious assistance from you. On the other hand as a member of the cabinet he’s unlikely to be missed for some considerable time.
To avoid any unpleasantness & the smell getting worse we suggest that you perhaps place your boyfriend in the trunk of a neighbour’s car before calling the police to report him missing. We’d also suggest replacing the coffee table, any soft furnishings which might have traces of blood on them & of course, the Scrabble set.
Remember to act confused & distraught during any police interviews & we’re sure all will be well. It certainly worked for us!