Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently been abducted by aliens & subjected to terrible medical experiments; I believe I may even still have an alien probe inside me!
I think the government are involved as I am being followed (I regularly see the same man standing in the supermarket staring at me as I come through the checkout) & I am not sure what to do next.
Where can I turn for help?
To be honest we’ve been expecting e-mails like yours to begin arriving ever since the press started blathering-on about yet another “X Files” film being touted-around the studios.
To put your mind at rest here are a few things you might consider;
(i) the alien probe you feel might just be indigestion,
(ii) the man in the supermarket might well be the store detective, &
(iii) there are professional organisations who can help you but you’re probably better off waiting until the next film in the series is released & that nice Mr Duchovny can explain everything for you.
In general we would recommend getting out a little more & no more cheese late in the evening.