Dear Agony Aunts
My fiancé, Collin, has been in a bit of a slump since Christmas when his job as an elf at the local department store finished. I’ve tried to cheer him up but he just sits & mopes all day in front of the telly; when I get back from my shift at the abattoir he is still in the same chair as when I left – the only difference is that it is surrounded by beer cans, half-drunk mugs of coffee & empty sweet packets. He never does anything around the house & he has stopped even bothering to get dressed & spends all day in his pyjamas. I am very worried that soon he might do something desperate.
What should I do?
What should you do? Well we’d suggest dousing his chair in gasoline & applying a match. That should should get him moving & it will give him something to focus on the short-term (i.e. trying to put out the blaze as it takes hold around the crotch of his pyjamas). A short, sharp shock like this is just what he needs to take his mind off his worries & get a sense of perspective back into his life (this tends to happen when the burns’ clinic reduce his morphine & the healing process really starts). We’re pretty certain that the lack of work opportunities as an elf won’t seem quite so important to him when his skin begins to shed.
With any luck, & the judicious use of cosmetics, he should be up & around again in time to apply for work with the Easter Bunny.
No pain, no gain. He’ll thank you in the long run.