Signs & portents: March 2014 – Aries

21 March – 19 April

MEN

March will see your family’s financial position improve dramatically, say the fates, following your wife’s decision to sell most of your body for spare parts.

WOMEN

There will be little for you to cheer about in March, say the fates, which in view of your upcoming & unexpected tracheotomy is probably just as well.

WIT & WISDOM

With their limited short-term memory & inability to complain, goldfish make an ideal audience for both sit-coms & soap operas.

For a better horoscope try a higher-denomination coin next time.

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