Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently developed an unusual craving for chocolate. I just don’t seem to be able to get enough of it & not only have I put on 10 kilos over the past 2 months but I have emptied the bank account & spent a fortune on dentist’s bills.
My husband is eligible for parole in 3 weeks & he’ll kill me; what should I do?
It doesn’t seem likely that you’ll be able to shed 10 kilos in 3 weeks, nor find any quick way of replenishing the bank account. That only leaves one obvious way out of your dilemma & what we have to do is to ensure that your husband is not actually given parole.
We’d suggest that, in the absence of any physical proof of crimes that he might yet be charged for, that you need to sow some seeds of doubt in the minds of the Parole Board. Perhaps on the next visiting day you might dress somewhat provocatively; a simple suggestion that you may be spending some time seeking solace from your enforced celibacy might well provoke the sort of response that can be easily managed by the prison staff present but which will look bad on his record. We’d suggest that if you decide to follow this approach you should make sure that you are well out of arm’s reach when you try it.
If you don’t think that you are going to be able to provoke him, & if you really can’t finger him for some other offence, perhaps it might be possible to have one of the other lags give him a severe working over, ensuring that even if he is released it will be straight into hospital for a sufficient period to allow you to shed the weight & raise the cash (remember not to smile too much). We believe that the going rate for organising something along these lines is about 200 Marlboro.