Signs & portents: April 2014 – Virgo

24 August – 22 September

MEN

In April, predict the fates, you will attain one of your greatest achievements when you manage to welcome your visiting mother-in-law with an apparent sincerity which convinces everyone except your wife.

WOMEN

Time to show what you’re really made of, in April, say the fates, who add that perhaps keeping a tourniquet & surgical clamps nearby might avoid some of the grosser moments.

WIT & WISDOM

A true measure of intelligence is volume.

This machine is only partly operational – it will accept coins.

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