Dear Agony Aunts
After little more than a week of watching the damned World Cup I have started to crack. By the time I have turned-on the TV, found the channel & brought “his lordship” his first of several beers I am already at breaking point.
Every night, for a couple of hours, he loses the use of all of his muscles except his tongue, while he watches a a lot of young men run-around in skimpy, multi-coloured uniforms, chasing a ball. During this time he makes shrill, baby-like cries of pleasure & pain & shouts for more beer; any sort of intelligent conversation is impossible (so not much change there, I admit) before he collapses into drunken stupor as the final whistle is blown.
I think I need help, & fast!
Dear “Red Card”
I’m afraid that your suffering is not unique & many women around the world are in the same boat. The thing to do is look for the positive possibilities that this situation can generate.
A larges number of women enjoy soccer & still more manage to find some enjoyment in sharing the pleasure their partners get from watching the World Cup; it’s in this latter category we think there are some opportunities for you.
We recommend buying a small referee’s costume & making sure you are “togged-up” before tonight’s match begins. If he doesn’t notice your outfit, try sitting on his lap just before the kick-off; if he still doesn’t respond (other than by trying to look over your shoulder) go straight to the fridge & bring hims cold beer & golf club (a #7 iron would be about right).
Then beat his brains out.