Signs & portents: September 2014 – Virgo

24 August – 22 September

MEN

Although you have never really bothered about popularity, say the fates, September’s events will come as something of a surprise to you as you are elected to parliament at the same time as being appointed National Scapegoat by the tabloid media. You will be lynched, but the TV coverage will be very tasteful.

WOMEN

September is a chance for you to rekindle things with your fiancé, say the fates, as the storms have passes & most of the wood has dried in the strong winds. They suggest standing upwind if you are going to use gasoline again.

WIT & WISDOM

Loafing will eventually become an Olympic sport.

This machine is only partly operational – it will accept coins.

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