Dear Agony Aunts
My husband has recently taken to wandering naked around the streets of our small village during the “wee-small-hours”, wearing nothing but a pair of old, tartan carpet slippers & his fishing hat. In most other ways he is as normal as the day we married (60-odd years ago) & doesn’t seem able to explain clearly why he has begun to carry on in this way.
I recently explained the situation the vicar, in confidence, & asked him to have a word with George; the upshot of which is that we are now not welcome at choir practice or church social events & most of the village knows what is happening. On top of everything else this new humiliation is really just too much!
Do you think it would be appropriate to take-out the blabbermouth vicar at the same time as I deal with George, & can you offer any advice on a discrete method of disposing of any incriminating forensic evidence?
We do understand how you must feel about all this, we cannot even begin to count the number of times we’ve been left in the same position.
Our advice is that rather then over-reacting with poor George it would be kinder just to buy him a new pair of slippers & perhaps something a little more modern & waterproof in the way of headgear. Since everybody in the village now seems to know about George’s little “eccentricity” we’d suggest that no further embarrassment can arise & a quiet word with the local constabulary should ensure that he is regularly returned home safely & without fuss.
As regards the blabbermouth vicar we do feel that this sort of slackness in pastoral care is all too common amongst the modern clergy & would suggest that as an embellishment to whatever you might have planned, you ensure that his mutilated corpse is found dressed in a combination of “exotic” women’s lingerie & bondage gear (we’ve e-mailed you a catalogue in case you’re not too sure where these can be found) & with an orange stuffed in his mouth & a pineapple stuffed wherever you might think appropriate.
As regards the forensics, evening gloves are your friend here, & buy any “supplies” from outside the village, using cash & an assumed name.
Go with God.