Dear Agony Aunts
I’ve tried Class A drugs, merchant banking (not a lot of difference between those), the priesthood & the foreign legion but I still couldn’t forget “Her” – the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I deserted from the Legion (Mali was a lot less fun than I expected) & I’ve found where she lives & I plan to tell her how much I have missed her, & how sorry I was for having left her waiting at the altar when I eloped with her chief bridesmaid, & for running-over her puppy as we escaped from the church in one of the wedding cars.
The thing is there’s a teensy bit of a problem – she’s now married to a millionaire & has three kids & lives in a bloody great mansion; which might make things a little awkward. I think that my chances of getting her to come away with me, bearing in mind that I’m unemployed & homeless, are not good (& she still puts flowers on the damned dog’s grave every week).
Go back to the park bench, or wherever it is you are sleeping, & start sniffing anything that looks like it can be used for removing stubborn “personal” stains from laundry (you should be able to “lift” this fairly easily from any supermarket if you can’t spring for the funds). By the time the bad weather arrives you won’t be able to remember your name, let alone hers.
We found this helped us when Richard Gere “knocked us back” a few years ago.