Dear Agony Aunts
Although we have never spoken I have fallen deeply in love with a man that I see on the train when I go to work in the mornings, but he just ignores me & never even smiles back.
How can I get him to notice me & understand how I feel about him?
Nothing could be simpler. We’d suggest drugging, kidnapping & a period chained to a wall in a dark cellar, accompanied by regular sessions with an electric cattle prod (make sure the cellar is dry, as excessive dampness could invalidate the warranty on the ‘prod).
It has worked a treat for us on many occasions & we’re pretty sure he won’t ignore you again.