Dear Agony Aunts
Where are you, where did you go, how could you have abandoned me, just when I needed your advice most?
Since I last wrote to you (in 2014!!!) my “little problem” as I think I called it, has rather resolved itself (I was pregnant, and it was twins). Kevin, my fiancé, did a runner the moment I went into labour and is now working in a car park somewhere in the Australian outback – and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
Now the problem is, and I hope you won’t think I’m being silly, that over the last year or so Kev’s brother Ndabaningi (same mum, different dads) has been a tower of strength and has helped me lots with the twins, even letting us stay in his bedroom at his mum’s house. Well I remembered what Kev had said about you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up and there’s no space in Ndabaningi’s room to lie down when I’m there with the twins, so I’m sure everything is alright in that department. But, I’m putting on weight really fast again (I’m afraid I do still love the “chips’n’chox” platter down at the local Chinese) and Ndabaningi is starting to look worried and keeps visiting web sites offering cheap long-distance flights.
How can I reassure him that “lightning doesn’t strike twice,” and maybe at the same time lose a little weight without giving-up one of my few remaining pleasures?
Dear “Choco lover”
Sorry about the hiatus. We’ve been doing important work in the prison system, unplanned and largely as a result of some one “grassing us up” over the little crystal meth plant which was a source of both entertainment and profit for us in our declining years, but we’re now back (released on license) and ready to help with advice on all of life’s little problems.
We’re to going to dwell on past mistakes and we’d advise you to adopt the same attitude, because we were taken by surprise by the filth (literally) we’re sorry that we didn’t have time to deal with your first e-mail. Now however our advice is pretty much what it would have been a couple of years ago, and we’re afraid the bad news is that Kev may not have been completely straight forward with you in the matter of contraception. We’d strongly recommend that you destroy Ndabaningi’s passport and sit down with him to calmly discuss your joint future (possibly with the aid of a cattle prod). A couple of hours should ensure that he understands where his duty lies and from then on all should be plain sailing until the confinement.
We’d suggest naming your next little bundle of joy not after his father but someone with a name both easier to spell and easier to shorten (but probably not “Kev”).
It’s good to be back.