Edinburgh Fringe 2018

It’s maybe not been the best year for humour, but here are the 10 jokes voted the funniest, by ranking.

1. ‘Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day’ – Adam Rowe

2. ‘I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring’ – Leo Kearse

3. ‘I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed’ – Olaf Falafel

4. ‘In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me’ – Daniel Audritt

5. ‘What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?’ – Flo and Joan

6. ‘I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts’ – Darren Walsh

7. ‘Trump said he’d build a wall but he hasn’t even picked up a brick. He’s just another edinburgh.jpegmiddle-aged man failing on a DIY project’ – Justin Moorhouse

8. (Equal) ‘I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it’ – Adele Cliff

8 (Equal) ‘Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?’ – Alex Edelman

10. ‘I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time’ – Laura Lexx.

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The anniversary nobody is talking about

Exactly five centuries ago, on 18th August 1518 (28th August, using  the current Gregorian calendar) King Charles I of Spain issued a charter authorising the transportation of slaves direct from Africa to the Americas. Prior to that (since at least 1510), African slaves had usually been transported to Spain or Portugal and had then been “freighted-on” to the Caribbean or (occasionally) sold to European-based buyers.

Charles’s decision to create a direct, more economically viable Africa to America slave trade changed the nature and scale of this profitable human trafficking industry. Over slave tradethe subsequent 350 years, around 11 million Africans were transported between the two continents. Almost a further 2 million died en route

This month’s quincentenary is of a tragic event that caused untold suffering and still today leaves a legacy of poverty, racism, inequality and elite wealth across four continents.

Funny how so few of the “great and the good” seem to care, isn’t it?

Oliver Cromwell vs “Team Trump”

“It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonored by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.

Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter’d your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?

Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil’d this sacred place, and turn’d the Lord’s temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress’d, are yourselves gone! So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors.

In the name of God, go!”trumpton

Oliver Cromwell – April 20, 1653

Oh, the horror….

The Mummy, Fifty Shades Darker and the latest Transformers movie, The Last Knight, are the leading contenders for Hollywood’s annual worst films list, the Golden Raspberry awards – AKA the Razzies.

All three principal actors of the revival of the 1930s monster pic The Mummy have been nominated: Tom Cruise for worst actor, and Russell Crowe and Sofia Boutella for worst supporting actor and actress. The Mummy has seven nominations, including one for worst remake, ripoff or sequel.

Transformers: The Last Knight has nine, however, including worst screen combo. Mark Wahlberg does double duty with worst actor nominations for Transformers and Daddy’s Home 2, while Anthony Hopkins picked up two worst supporting actor nominations. The other major contender is Fifty Shades Darker, with eight nominations, including worst actor and actress for Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson.While The Book of Henry, The Snowman and The Dark Tower were ignored, there was a surprise inclusion for Mother!, which earned Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem and Darren Aronofsky nominations for worst actress, supporting actor and director, respectively.

The awards’ worst screen combo section contains its quirkiest nominations, with the most notable being Johnny Depp for his “worn-out drunk routine”, which gets a nod for what the Razzies refer to as Pirates of the Caribbean XIII: Dead Careers Tell No Tales. Transformers is also referred to throughout as Transformers XVII: Last Knight, despite it being the fifth in the series.

The Razzies will be held on 3 March, the day before the Oscars.

Full list of nominations

Worst picture
Baywatch
The Emoji Movie
Fifty Shades Darker
The Mummy
Transformers XVII: The Last Knight

Worst actress
Katherine Heigl (Unforgettable)
Dakota Johnson (Fifty Shades Darker)
Jennifer Lawrence (Mother!)
Tyler Perry (BOO! 2: A Madea Halloween)
Emma Watson (The Circle)

Worst actor
Tom Cruise (The Mummy)
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean XIII: Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Jamie Dornan (Fifty Shades Darker)
Zac Efron (Baywatch)
Mark Wahlberg (Daddy’s Home 2 and Transformers XVII: The Last Knight)

Worst supporting actor
Javier Bardem (Mother! and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Russell Crowe (The Mummy)
Josh Duhamel (Transformers XVII: The Last Knight)
Mel Gibson (Daddy’s Home 2)
Anthony Hopkins (Collide and Transformers XVII: The Last Knight)

Worst supporting actress
Kim Basinger (Fifty Shades Darker)
Sofia Boutella (The Mummy)
Laura Haddock (Transformers XVII: Last Knight)
Goldie Hawn (Snatched)
Susan Sarandon (A Bad Moms Christmas)

Worst screen combo
Any Combination of Two Characters, Two Sex Toys or Two Sexual Positions – Fifty Shades Darker
Any Combination of Two Humans, Two Robots or Two Explosions – Transformers XVII: Last Knight
Any Two Obnoxious Emojis – The Emoji Movie
Johnny Depp and His Worn Out Drunk Routine – Pirates of the Caribbean XIII: Dead Careers Tell No Tales
Tyler Perry and Either the Ratty Old Dress or Worn Out Wig – BOO! 2: A Madea Halloween

Worst remake, ripoff or sequel
Baywatch
BOO! 2: A Madea Halloween
Fifty Shades Darker
The Mummy
Transformers XVII: Last Knight

Worst director
Darren Aronofsky (Mother!)
Michael Bay (Transformers XVII: The Last Knight)
James Foley (Fifty Shades Darker)
Alex Kurtzman (The Mummy)
Anthony (Tony) Leonidis (The Emoji Movie)

I can’t wait…