Signs & portents: November 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The fates say that throughout November you will enjoy an unusual degree of peace & quiet – at least until your eardrums begin to re-grow.

WOMEN

In November the fates say that you will find both inner-peace & the true meaning of life – a little late perhaps after your sentencing for 20 years of sadistic serial killings, but them’s the breaks, baby.

WIT & WISDOM

Never trust anything that “everyone” knows to be true.

Pay to play.

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Scorpio

23 October – 22 November

MEN

November is going to be a chance for you to enjoy yourself & spend some time with your family, predict the fates, although the little domestic spat with your wife will technically break the terms of your parole….. & both of her legs.

WOMEN

The fates say that in November you will receive exactly what you deserve when the birthday bouquet from your estranged son proves to contain a number of poisonous insects & a fastening pin which has been dipped in anthrax. Breaking the pair was a bad mistake – you should have sold both of the twins to avoid just this sort of unpleasantness.

WIT & WISDOM

The good news always arrives just a little more slowly than the bad.

Don’t worry things could be will get worse….

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Libra

23 September – 22 October

MEN

November 6th, in particular, will seem all too short for you to achieve everything that you want, say the fates. This includes being able to summon the ambulance before loss of blood causes your blood pressure to drop too far, rendering you unconscious yet again, & for the last time.

WOMEN

November is going to be good for you, predict the fates, who say that you will finally be able to put the recent unpleasantness behind you & to get on with your life, albeit in solitary confinement.

WIT & WISDOM

Outrage sells newspapers.

No animals were killed, harmed or even annoyed, in the production of this horoscope.

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Virgo

24 August – 22 September

MEN

November will see you relax a little, say the fates, saving your strength for the battles ahead. This is probably a good thing because you can expect your wife to regain consciousness on the 28th, & boy, is she going to be pissed at you!

WOMEN

The fates say that in November you will enjoy an extended respite from all your professional worries & have a chance to really think about the future. You will be made redundant on the 3rd.

WIT & WISDOM

An adequate performance is soon forgotten.

This machine is only partly operational – it will accept coins.

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Leo

24 July - 23 August

24 July – 23 August

MEN

The last week of November is going to be great, say the fates, giving you at last some reprieve from all of your worries & the anxieties that have beset you ever since the coach broke down in the abandoned safari park. Sadly the lions will finish eating the driver on Wednesday, suggesting they will be back for you before you get a chance to read next month’s horoscope.

WOMEN

The fates predict that in November you will at last find a way to deal with your problems in an adult & effective manner. They suggest writing to the ThursdayAgain Agony Aunts if you need any tips on how to dispose of the body without fuss.

WIT & WISDOM

Greenhouse gasses seem most effective under glass, & should probably be left there.

As recommended by God.

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Cancer

22 June - 23 July

22 June – 23 July

MEN

November is not going to pan out too well for you, predict the fates, suggesting that the bloke in the pub may well have known there was no gold in the Seine before he sold you the pitch.

WOMEN

The fates are looking to see you really shine in November & suggest that keeping a fire-blanket & extinguisher close by may well pay-off in the end.

WIT & WISDOM

The best time of day is always the one you miss because the ‘phone rings.

Buy now & avoid the rush.

Buy now & avoid the rush.

Signs & portents: November 2014 – Gemini

21 May - 21 June

21 May – 21 June

MEN

The fates confirm that November will see you recognised as never before for your achievements, largely because of the new artists impression & tripling of the police reward.

WOMEN

November will give you an opportunity, say the fates, to really let rip at those who have let you down. This is a little unfair, they add, as the fire crew was only doing its job & they couldn’t risk letting you use the stairwell which was an inferno – new hairdo or no new hairdo.

WIT & WISDOM

A light touch is a rare gift.

All major credit cards accepted…