A truly superb explanation for something we have all experienced at some point.
Dear Agony Aunts
Where are you, where did you go, how could you have abandoned me, just when I needed your advice most?
Since I last wrote to you (in 2014!!!) my “little problem” as I think I called it, has rather resolved itself (I was pregnant, and it was twins). Kevin, my fiancé, did a runner the moment I went into labour and is now working in a car park somewhere in the Australian outback – and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
Now the problem is, and I hope you won’t think I’m being silly, that over the last year or so Kev’s brother Ndabaningi (same mum, different dads) has been a tower of strength and has helped me lots with the twins, even letting us stay in his bedroom at his mum’s house. Well I remembered what Kev had said about you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up and there’s no space in Ndabaningi’s room to lie down when I’m there with the twins, so I’m sure everything is alright in that department. But, I’m putting on weight really fast again (I’m afraid I do still love the “chips’n’chox” platter down at the local Chinese) and Ndabaningi is starting to look worried and keeps visiting web sites offering cheap long-distance flights.
How can I reassure him that “lightning doesn’t strike twice,” and maybe at the same time lose a little weight without giving-up one of my few remaining pleasures?
Dear “Choco lover”
Sorry about the hiatus. We’ve been doing important work in the prison system, unplanned and largely as a result of some one “grassing us up” over the little crystal meth plant which was a source of both entertainment and profit for us in our declining years, but we’re now back (released on license) and ready to help with advice on all of life’s little problems.
We’re to going to dwell on past mistakes and we’d advise you to adopt the same attitude, because we were taken by surprise by the filth (literally) we’re sorry that we didn’t have time to deal with your first e-mail. Now however our advice is pretty much what it would have been a couple of years ago, and we’re afraid the bad news is that Kev may not have been completely straight forward with you in the matter of contraception. We’d strongly recommend that you destroy Ndabaningi’s passport and sit down with him to calmly discuss your joint future (possibly with the aid of a cattle prod). A couple of hours should ensure that he understands where his duty lies and from then on all should be plain sailing until the confinement.
We’d suggest naming your next little bundle of joy not after his father but someone with a name both easier to spell and easier to shorten (but probably not “Kev”).
It’s good to be back.
Dear Agony Aunts
I think I have been chosen by God to be his representative in the world! It might sound mad, but I’ve started to hear voices at night as I go to sleep & when there’s no-one in the house but me. I think the voices are to telling me to do things but I don’t hear them too clearly (even though I’ve changed the batteries in my hearing aid twice in the last week).
How can I help the voices to come through more clearly & make God’s will immanent?
If you really want to hear the voices more clearly we’d suggest asking the people next door to turn-up their TV; if you’d rather have a good night’s sleep, ask them to turn it down or buy ear-plugs (& forget about changing the batteries).
If instead it does turn out to be God trying to get through, put in a good word for us.
Dear Agony Aunts
Although we have never spoken I have fallen deeply in love with a man that I see on the train when I go to work in the mornings, but he just ignores me & never even smiles back.
How can I get him to notice me & understand how I feel about him?
Nothing could be simpler. We’d suggest drugging, kidnapping & a period chained to a wall in a dark cellar, accompanied by regular sessions with an electric cattle prod (make sure the cellar is dry, as excessive dampness could invalidate the warranty on the ‘prod).
It has worked a treat for us on many occasions & we’re pretty sure he won’t ignore you again.
Over the years I have got used to my husband’s “little ways” & learned to tolerate him in spite of his uncontrollable gambling & his penchant for carrying-on with a set of rather vulgar young women, & now, after 44 years of an indifferent marriage, things are looking-up following a rather unexpected (& unprecedented) piece of luck on the horses.
With the money he has won we should be able to live in a very comfortable style for the rest of our lives but I am worried that he will waste it all on dodgy under-age tarts & dodgier three-legged nags.
How can I make him change this late in life?
Sadly in our experience men seldom change, & even then rarely for the better. To protect your future happiness we’d suggest either having your husband sectioned for mental incompetence (try & make sure you get a female psychiatrist to carry out the assessment interview) with yourself named as proxy & responsible carer. Alternatively, & this is generally our preferred solution, help him to deal with his problems once & for all by shuffling off this mortal coil of woes & sorrows.
Frankly “offing” him is unquestionably the easier of the options before you, but we do understand that some women remain fond of their husbands long after they have outlived both their usefulness (usually before the end of the honeymoon) & their charm (usually before the end of the wedding reception). We’ve e-mailed you a copy of our little pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & we’d particularly draw your attention to chapters 7 through 12 & the appendix headed “Forensics 101”.
Dear Agony Aunts
I’ve tried Class A drugs, merchant banking (not a lot of difference between those), the priesthood & the foreign legion but I still couldn’t forget “Her” – the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I deserted from the Legion (Mali was a lot less fun than I expected) & I’ve found where she lives & I plan to tell her how much I have missed her, & how sorry I was for having left her waiting at the altar when I eloped with her chief bridesmaid, & for running-over her puppy as we escaped from the church in one of the wedding cars.
The thing is there’s a teensy bit of a problem – she’s now married to a millionaire & has three kids & lives in a bloody great mansion; which might make things a little awkward. I think that my chances of getting her to come away with me, bearing in mind that I’m unemployed & homeless, are not good (& she still puts flowers on the damned dog’s grave every week).
Go back to the park bench, or wherever it is you are sleeping, & start sniffing anything that looks like it can be used for removing stubborn “personal” stains from laundry (you should be able to “lift” this fairly easily from any supermarket if you can’t spring for the funds). By the time the bad weather arrives you won’t be able to remember your name, let alone hers.
We found this helped us when Richard Gere “knocked us back” a few years ago.
Last year I began a relationship with a very nice young man who seems to be really interested in me & with whom I seem to have much in common. Last week he “popped the question” & I am in a bit of a quandary. I feel I would like to say “yes” & enjoy my declining years (I’m 65) with a companion who will give me the company & affection that I have so missed since old “Lard-ass” Gerald died, back in 1998. At the same time I am a bit worried about the difference in our ages, he is 29, & about what my son & daughter will say – they’re both in their mid-30’s; not that I ever see them or my grandchildren.
Due you think that an ageing, widowed, lottery winner like me can find happiness again, & what do you think I should do about Dylan’s proposal?
We don’t think you should worry too much about the kids or the grandchildren, a simple thing like a big win on the lottery has a way of reminding people about their filial responsibilities, particularly if a Will is being considered.
Clearly Dylan has touched a place in your heart (we’re assuming the question he “popped” was a wedding proposal & not something a little less formal formal). We think that, with a few simple precautions, you should go ahead & enjoy your remaining years in a way that only a 36-years younger husband can make possible. In order to make those years as long as possible we do suggest that you make a Will immediately after the wedding (& we mean before the reception starts, ideally even before the car pulls away from the church) ensuring that all your worldly goods, chattels & cash are bequeathed to some good cause not in any way connected with either your new husband or your existing family.
In our experience the possibility of losing a treasured relative or spouse along with any hope of keeping one’s snout in the trough, ensures a very worthy degree of concern & solicitude which tends to help prevent those little, & often fatal, accidents which women in your situation seem to be so prone to.
If your have any problem coming up with good causes we’d be happy to offer a few suggestions of our own, drop us a line if we can help.
Enjoy the honeymoon.