Sharing and caring #231

Dear Agony Aunts

Where are you, where did you go, how could you have abandoned me, just when I needed your advice most?

Since I last wrote to you (in 2014!!!) my “little problem” as I think I called it, has rather resolved itself (I was pregnant, and it was twins). Kevin, my fiancé, did a runner the moment I went into labour and is now working in a car park somewhere in the Australian outback – and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.

Now the problem is, and I hope you won’t think I’m being silly, that over the last year or so Kev’s brother Ndabaningi (same mum, different dads) has been a tower of strength and has helped me lots with the twins, even letting us stay in his bedroom at his mum’s house. Well I remembered what Kev had said about you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up and there’s no space in Ndabaningi’s room to lie down when I’m there with the twins, so I’m sure everything is alright in that department. But, I’m putting on weight really fast again (I’m afraid I do still love the “chips’n’chox” platter down at the local Chinese) and Ndabaningi is starting to look worried and keeps visiting web sites offering cheap long-distance flights.

How can I reassure him that “lightning doesn’t strike twice,” and maybe at the same time lose a little weight without giving-up one of my few remaining pleasures?

“Choco lover”

 

Dear “Choco lover”

Sorry about the hiatus. We’ve been doing important work in the prison system, unplanned and largely as a result of some one “grassing us up” over the little crystal meth plant which was a source of both entertainment and profit for us in our declining years, but we’re now back (released on license) and ready to help with advice on all of life’s little problems.

We’re to going to dwell on past mistakes and we’d advise you to adopt the same attitude, because we were taken by surprise by the filth (literally) we’re sorry that we didn’t have time to deal with your first e-mail. Now however our advice is pretty much what it would have been a couple of years ago, and we’re afraid the bad news is that Kev may not have been completely straight forward with you in the matter of contraception. We’d strongly recommend that you destroy Ndabaningi’s passport and sit down with him to calmly discuss your joint future (possibly with the aid of a cattle prod). A couple of hours should ensure that he understands where his duty lies and from then on all should be plain sailing until the confinement.

We’d suggest naming your next little bundle of joy not after his father but someone with a name both easier to spell and easier to shorten (but probably not “Kev”).

It’s good to be back.

Aunts

blood lemon

Love can be no tougher….

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Caring & sharing #229

Dear Agony Aunts

Although we have never spoken I have fallen deeply in love with a man that I see on the train when I go to work in the mornings, but he just ignores me & never even smiles back.

How can I get him to notice me & understand how I feel about him?

“Obsessed”

 

Dear “Obsessed”

Nothing could be simpler. We’d suggest drugging, kidnapping & a period chained to a wall in a dark cellar, accompanied by regular sessions with an electric cattle prod (make sure the cellar is dry, as excessive dampness could invalidate the warranty on the ‘prod).

It has worked a treat for us on many occasions & we’re pretty sure he won’t ignore you again.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #200

Dear Agony Aunts

I was troubled to discover that my fiancé had been married before but I believed him when he said that he would have told me before we got married but was waiting for the right time. I was upset when I later found out that he had five children but I forgave him after he explained that he was just waiting for the right time to introduce me to them.

After the revelation of his two little “secrets” I thought that it would be plain sailing to the wedding but last night I was furious to learn, from a friend, that the wedding is in fact “off”. When I confronted him, he said that he had intended to tell me, but at the right time.

I think that he has just been using me & I am appalled that a Roman Catholic cardinal could behave like this. What do you think I should do?

“Battersea”

 

Dear “Battersea”

Well to start with we think you’ve had a lucky escape; these priestly marriages rarely work out over time.

As to the future, well it it seems only fair that if he isn’t going to marry you the least your erstwhile fiancé could do would be to recompense you for your thwarted ambitions & broken heart. As a senior member of the clerical hierarchy he has access to significant funds intended for situations just such as those in which you now find yourself (although generally there is a child involved) & you should encourage him to be generous as a way of avoiding any exposure in the media.

Once you have agreed a compensation package (& it may be worth having a brief chat with his ex- to see how much she got) you should take some time to relax & sort out your feelings before seeking any sort of revenge.

Drop us a line when your ready & we’re sure to have any number of creative ways to help you truly put this unhappy episode behind you.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #171

Dear Agony Aunts

My husband is buying me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas (I’m giving him a hand tailored silk shirt & diamond cufflinks) & I wondered if you could suggest some sort of suitable expression of my true feelings as we meander into the New Year.

Nothing lethal please, as I am still hoping that the Valentine’s Day present may yet make putting-up with the useless shit worthwhile (at least until after the financial & property markets recover).

“Debs”


Dear “Debs”

Try lining the shirt with cat flea powder (finer than the dog powder & less detectable) & possibly using a little catnip in his boxers. Every cat in the neighborhood will be clawing at his groin at the same time as he comes out in a whole-body rash which will make your eyes water.

Then offer to hoover him down.

Let us know how February 14th turns-out.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #159

Dear Agony Aunts

Looking through the window I can see that as usual it’s wet, cold, unpleasant & completely dull.

I’m beginning to think that I should never have married him; any ideas?

“Weather Girl”

 

Dear “Weather Girl”

Time travel, temporal instant messaging, retrospective arson at the church/registry office or possibly just post-partum abortion. Only suggestions of course but we wish you well on any of them you care to try.

As a more realistic approach we have mailed you our small e-pamphlet “Husband exit management strategies” & would particularly draw your attention Chapter 11. If you do decide to proceed along the lines suggested by the pamphlet, drop us a line & we’ll be happy to send you a copy of our publication “Accidents around the home & how to engineer them” – a sure winner & bags of entertainment during these cold & wet days.

Keep your sunny side up.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #152

Dear Agony Aunts

My boyfriend & I are planning to run away together because our parents are horrible & they don’t want us to be together, or have a good time, or any sort of life, or anything.

The thing is, I’d like to go & live in New York but he says that it is not much good there & he wants to go to Hollywood so we can be famous & be in films & stuff.

Please can you tell him I’m right & that he’s just being stupid.

“Battersea”

(Translated from an SMS text)

 

Dear “Battersea”

We’ve had your rather amusing text message translated into english & taken the liberty of checking-out the cell-phone account that it was sent from.

It appears that you are 9 years old & so much too young to be reading this, please write again in nine years time.

Oh, & New York is indeed unpleasant but it’s probably better to starve there than to die working as a waitress in California as the result of a random drive-by shooting.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #143

Dear Agony Aunts

Last year I started a blog where I tell people about my humorous experiences & generally try to bring a little light into their lives. Recently I’ve started an advice section in the blog where I can offer people specific advice & support on their problems & although I think I have been able to help, frankly it is exhausting & at the end of each day I feel drained of both energy & happiness.

Although I am not familiar with your work, I am told that you have been giving people advice online since 2009 & I wondered if you had any advice to help a “newbie” keep positive & motivated to help others?

“A shoulder to cry on” (Mrs)


Dear “A shoulder to cry on” (Mrs)

Your e-mail is a first for us, & although we can offer a few pointers we’re not sure that the coping strategies we have come to rely upon down the years would be appropriate for your own worthy efforts. But here goes:

 – We keep cheerful through the use of recreational drugs combined with enormous quantities of alcohol (amphetamines can be your friend when dealing with even the most depressing of readers pleas for help). We’re not saying that this is the right solution for you, but it has always worked for us.

– It helps to have a ready policy for dealing with the more standard cries for help, the usual round of, “My husband is seeing another woman”, “My husband is seeing another man”, “My boyfriend keeps wearing my clothes & delaying the date for our wedding” and that old favorite, “My wife has taken all our money & run-off with the puppy & my golf coach”. Generally our advice is based on the assumption that all men are revolting (check your laundry basket if you ever doubt this, even for a moment) & upon the idea that in order to heal, a modicum of effort needs to be employed. By-&-large we tend to refer people to our little e-pamphlets, “Accidents around the home: & how to engineer them,” & “Creative widowhood” which provide a degree of solace for even the most wounded of souls.

– Lastly, & we believe this to be so important, we try not to get involved in the problems of those who write to us, unless there is an immediate opportunity for profit, or we can see a chance for unbridled hilarity at the expense of them or their nearest & dearest.

Anyway, we hope these little pointers will be of some help.

Good luck with the blogging.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….