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People with issues #319

paralympic-training

Gregor’s qualifying times for the Rio Paralympics were superb, and he had the almost unique national distinction of never failing a drug test. Sadly his athletics career ground to a sudden halt following the release of pictures from a city traffic CCTV camera and he was quietly dropped from the team; it turned-out that his coach was employed by the city as a tram driver.

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Caring & sharing #183

Dear Agony Aunts

I think my husband is cheating on me.

How can I confirm my suspicions & what should I do if he is?

“Distraught”


Dear “Distraught”

Why on earth are you harbouring all this uncertainty & doubt? Of course he’s cheating on you – he’s a man & you’re married, QED.

Having dealt with the first part of your (very brief) e-mail we’ll equally briefly dispose of the rest.

If you want to hang on to the worthless, unreliable toad, we’d suggest a short, sharp shock possibly involving a late-night tearful denunciation & an electric cattle prod. To add to the effectiveness of this approach we’d usually suggest a short visit to the bimbo to express your concerns directly – & again the cattle prod may come in handy here.

A better solution we’d suggest, is to dump the evil sod & take him for everything he has – a good female solicitor can be of use here, & we’d suggest trying to get any hearings scheduled for a female registrar, if at all possible.

If neither of the above appeals we recommend something more permanent by way of a solution, to which end we have sent you a copy of our small e-pamphlet “Creative Widowhood.”

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #136

Dear Agony Aunts

I wonder if you could help me with a small argument & wager that I have with my husband?

He says that it is possible for a man to hold his breath underwater for over 5 minutes & I say that this is not remotely likely. It may seem like a silly thing to fall-out over, but it all came-up when I discovered that he was having an affair with one of the women who works with him down at the Council’s “World of Water” leisure centre.

What is the best way to prove my point without going down for a long stretch?

“Jocasta”

 

Dear “Jocasta”

We’d suggest holding his head under in the bath, making sure to only touch his skin with a natural sponge & ensuring that you are wearing rubber gloves (which you should dispose of immediately afterwards). We’ve e-mailed you separately a copy of our small pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & would suggest you read Chapter 8 carefully, along with the appendix entitled “Forensics 101”.

To add a little verisimilitude we’d recommend making sure he has a stiff drink before he takes his last bath & emptying the contents of a bottle of Scotch into the tub before the lads in blue arrive. A few tears & you should find that you are in the clear & ready to collect on the life insurance. 

Point made, wager won.

Aunts

PS. Let us know if you want any help in dealing with the floozy.

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….

 

Caring & sharing #133

Dear Agony Aunts

I have recently begun to take classes in unarmed combat & self-defence – I think that in these troubled times it is important that a woman can take care of herself in even the most threatening of situations. After some 6 weeks I am reasonably good at disarming a knife-wielding thug & breaking the arm of a would-be mugger; but things do seem to moving on very slowly.

How long do you think it will take before I can beat my useless, cheating, bastard of a husband into small enough pieces to flush away the evidence.

“Karate Kate”


Dear “Karate Kate”

We think your expectations are, to honest, a little unrealistic. In truth you’re going to have to train long & hard before you can enjoy the sort of levels of performance your talking about, & its concomitant little rewards.

We’d suggest perhaps aiming a little lower to start with, both physically & metaphorically – why not aim at the groin area & at achieving a really good disabling kick, for example?

If you really are set on wreaking a very personal & final revenge on your nearest & dearest, why not switch from unarmed combat to Kendo? Six feet of bamboo can allow you to achieve a great deal in a much shorter time frame, although, as with your current plan, dealing with the Coroner’s enquiry is going to be difficult (& “flushing away” as you put it, is, unfortunately, never a serious problem for even the most jaded of forensic teams).

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....

Love can be no tougher….