Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently developed an unusual craving for chocolate. I just don’t seem to be able to get enough of it & not only have I put on 10 kilos over the past 2 months but I have emptied the bank account & spent a fortune on dentist’s bills.
My husband is eligible for parole in 3 weeks & he’ll kill me; what should I do?
It doesn’t seem likely that you’ll be able to shed 10 kilos in 3 weeks, nor find any quick way of replenishing the bank account. That only leaves one obvious way out of your dilemma & what we have to do is to ensure that your husband is not actually given parole.
We’d suggest that, in the absence of any physical proof of crimes that he might yet be charged for, that you need to sow some seeds of doubt in the minds of the Parole Board. Perhaps on the next visiting day you might dress somewhat provocatively; a simple suggestion that you may be spending some time seeking solace from your enforced celibacy might well provoke the sort of response that can be easily managed by the prison staff present but which will look bad on his record. We’d suggest that if you decide to follow this approach you should make sure that you are well out of arm’s reach when you try it.
If you don’t think that you are going to be able to provoke him, & if you really can’t finger him for some other offence, perhaps it might be possible to have one of the other lags give him a severe working over, ensuring that even if he is released it will be straight into hospital for a sufficient period to allow you to shed the weight & raise the cash (remember not to smile too much). We believe that the going rate for organising something along these lines is about 200 Marlboro.
Slightly weird Romanian MP, Remus Cernea, is pushing a parliamentary bill that he acknowledges few of his fellow Romanian lawmakers are likely to support: giving dolphins the same rights as humans. The (frankly rather over-excited) MP introduced a bill in parliament last week that would recognise the marine mammals as “non-human persons”, on account of their highly developed intelligence, personalities & behaviour patterns (none of which are traits highly valued in the Romanian parliament, nor are they obviously present in many of Remus’ colleagues).
The bill, which will be debated in the Romanian upper house next month, would make humans & dolphins “equal before the law.” Dolphin killers would be given the same sentences as murderers of human beings & the bill would also ban the use of dolphins in live entertainment shows.
To back his cause, Remus has received a letter of support from American filmmaker Louie Psihoyos, maker of a 2009 documentary, The Cove, about dolphin hunting in Japan. But gathering domestic support may be difficult in a year when Romania goes to the polls twice, first in the European elections in May & later to vote for a new president.
“At this moment, I have no support,” Remus said during a visit to the city of Constanta on the Black Sea coast (probably an overstatement).
“This law asks you to make a huge step, philosophically speaking, to understand & to accept that somehow there is another species which is quite similar to us,” he added.
Remus split from Romania’s Green Party to be an independent MP last year in circumstances that he is a little vague about, but which his former colleagues characterise as “throwing the loons overboard.”
Just a guess, but I don’t think Remus is destined for a long career in politics.