Signs & portents: May 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

In May the fates suggest that you might try to cultivate a more sang froid attitude to life’s little vagaries, it really pisses them off.

WOMEN

During May you will achieve recognition, reward & happiness predict the fates – & it’s really going to annoy your ex-.

WIT & WISDOM

It’s easier to lie by candle-light.

Pay to play.

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Signs & portents: May 2014 – Scorpio

23 October – 22 November

MEN

Try to enjoy May, recommend the fates, & not to take everything you hear too seriously – except of course the bit where the jury foreman says “Guilty”.

WOMEN

The amount of work you’ll get through in May will be phenomenal say the fates, although the social security people probably aren’t going to be too happy about it.

WIT & WISDOM

Failure can be its own reward.

Don’t worry things could be will get worse….

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Libra

23 September – 22 October

MEN

Your not going to enjoy the “main event” in May, say the fates, but a whole new generation of proverbs will be born to warn people & make sure that the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone else. Fame after a fashion.

WOMEN

In May the fates suggest that you might start by apologising to all those who have been so shocked & damaged by your outrageous behaviour. They suggest that the next step should be releasing the hostages & surrendering.

WIT & WISDOM

Second-guessing is only necessary if you don’t get it right the first time.

No animals were killed, harmed or even annoyed, in the production of this horoscope.

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Virgo

24 August – 22 September

MEN

May, say the fates, will see you overcome your worst fears & face your greatest nightmares, all just before the medication kicks-in.

WOMEN

May is when you should try to express your innermost feelings to those around you, suggest the fates, possibly with the exception of your husband who might well take offence.

WIT & WISDOM

Shovelling shit is better than just sitting in it.

This machine is only partly operational – it will accept coins.

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Leo

24 July - 23 August

24 July – 23 August

MEN

May will see you lose someone very close to you, say the fates, following the successful operation which will leave you with an arm & a leg but your conjoined twin with the heart & both kidneys.

WOMEN

May’s difficulties will soon be replaced by June’s problems which in turn will give way to July’s disasters, say the fates.

WIT & WISDOM

Try to keep your mouth shut when you are out of your depth.

As recommended by God.

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Cancer

22 June - 23 July

22 June – 23 July

MEN

The fate suggest that in May you should try to adopt a low profile; following your wife’s decision to hire a sniper to take you out when you’re at work.

WOMEN

May will not seem so bad, say the fates, once you begin to lose consciousness.

WIT & WISDOM

It is easier to display an attitude than explain an opinion.

Buy now & avoid the rush.

Buy now & avoid the rush.

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Gemini

21 May - 21 June

21 May – 21 June

MEN

The fates say that May will be full of surprises – but for obvious reasons they’re not prepared to say anything more.

WOMEN

May will be over in a flash, say the fates, who predict your intimate involvement in the weekend’s nuclear accident.

WIT & WISDOM

The best time of day to apologise, is over breakfast.

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