Signs & portents: November 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The fates say that throughout November you will enjoy an unusual degree of peace & quiet – at least until your eardrums begin to re-grow.

WOMEN

In November the fates say that you will find both inner-peace & the true meaning of life – a little late perhaps after your sentencing for 20 years of sadistic serial killings, but them’s the breaks, baby.

WIT & WISDOM

Never trust anything that “everyone” knows to be true.

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Signs & portents: October 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The month of October will at least have the benefit for you of being short, say the fates, who predict that your chances of making it past the first weekend are not high, following your inability to remember the date of your wedding anniversary for the third year in a row.

WOMEN

Whilst none could fault your decision in October to live for other, say the fates, many of the others would rather you had given them a chance to refuse your kind offer before you moved-in.

WIT & WISDOM

A good sign of the times is a working public clock.

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Signs & portents: September 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The fates confirm that September will be your last month in your current role, after which some other poor sod will be the company’s biggest arsehole.

WOMEN

September will not be as challenging as you might have feared, say the fates, since, because of industrial action, your prosthetics won’t be delivered until the 28th.

WIT & WISDOM

Sadly, intelligence is usually trumped by glamour.

Pay to play.

Signs & portents: August 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The fates say that in August you will come to terms with your setbacks & losses & start enjoying your life at a slightly slower pace, albeit without the status that your former position as head of an international bank once provided. Still, the enormous bloody great pension will help cushion the blow to your self-esteem.

WOMEN

In August your husband will be seeking your support & love, say the fates, to help him deal with all of the problems he faces in his working life; so probably a good time to hit him for an increase in your clothes allowance & an all-girls trip to the Maldives for a spa break.

WIT & WISDOM

Is train spotting an indication of an obsessive personality?

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Signs & portents: July 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

Found guilty by the jury in under 2 minutes the fates agree that July will not be your best ever month, but point out that they did suggest that stabbing the Court usher might well prejudice your trial for using abusive language in a public place, & that it was not the best way to deal with your inner feelings of anger & rejection.

WOMEN

Bad news in July, say the fates, when – diet notwithstanding – you finally reach the chocolate event horizon.

WIT & WISDOM

Never admit to anything that you wouldn’t want to see in your biography.

Pay to play.

Signs & portents: June 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

The fates say that in June you will receive praise for your commitment to your ideals & seven years for your application of those ideals to your wife – whose body has still not been found.

WOMEN

In June, the fates say, you will discover true love where you least expected to find it; still that’s life in a convent, always full of surprises.

WIT & WISDOM

Journalists & juries have the ability to believe anything.

Pay to play.

Signs & portents: May 2014 – Sagittarius

23 November - 21 December

23 November – 21 December

MEN

In May the fates suggest that you might try to cultivate a more sang froid attitude to life’s little vagaries, it really pisses them off.

WOMEN

During May you will achieve recognition, reward & happiness predict the fates – & it’s really going to annoy your ex-.

WIT & WISDOM

It’s easier to lie by candle-light.

Pay to play.