Dear Agony Aunts
My wife has recently eloped with a lottery winner, leaving me, our 4 kids, a sick dog & a mortgage seriously in arrears behind her.
How can I win her back?
“Lionel”
Dear “Lionel”
We’d suggest cosmetic surgery, a penis extension & winning the lottery; not forgetting of course to change your name in the meantime to “Rip” or “Randy”.
Perhaps you ought to consider whether or not you actually deserve her back – surely she is entitled to a brief (or even hopefully permanent) moment of true happiness in the arms of a man who can fully meet her needs as a woman? If you truly love her you’ll let her go to enjoy a new destiny that is beyond anything you, the kids, dog & mortgage could ever offer her; & if you’re really more worried about the mortgage why not contact her new lover to negotiate either a one-off transfer fee or monthly rental arrangement?
Time to think of her, we think, rather than your own selfish concerns.
Sorry to hear about the dog.
Aunts
ThursdayAgain 
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