fiancé – ThursdayAgain

Dear Agony Aunts

I have been engaged to my fiancé for seven years & he still isn’t ready to “name the day”.

How can I “gee him up” a little?

“Patience”

Dear “Patience”

“A little,” you say; we’d suggest that is not nearly good enough, after 7 years he doesn’t need “geeing up” he needs resuscitation.

Let’s face it dear, if he’s not ready to name the day by now, he never will be. You need to dump this loser & find someone who actually is prepared to marry you. We’d suggest selling off the ring & using the money to pay the fees to join one of these internet dating organizations – these days they’re so respectable that even your local church will have one – & we’d suggest using a flattering photograph (& possibly touching it up with Photoshop) & lying thought your teeth when you fill in the profile. Remember everybody else is lying on theirs, so nobody will be surprised if you are few years older, a few kilos heavier & a lot less adventurous than you seem on the web.

We’re sure that if you follow our advice you’ll be traipsing up the aisle with some other desperate soul in no time at all.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher.... — Love can be no tougher….

Dear Agony Aunts

My fiancé has run-off with the vicar & all the wedding presents.

What should I do?

“Janet”

Dear “Janet”

You don’t say if the vicar was male or female (life has got so much more complicated in recent years) although in truth it probably doesn’t make that much difference unless you want the sad loser back in your life. If you do want him back (& we’d strongly advise against it) & the vicar is a woman, there might be some chance – possibly with the aid of a domestic fire or an unfortunate drowning accident (we’ve sent you a copy of our small leaflet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them”). If the vicar is a man, forget it.

As regards the rest of the problems you should cancel the bookings for the reception venue, the caterers, the cars, the organist & the choir. It would also probably be a good idea to let the guests know – they may be able to get the price of the presents back where they have bought them using a credit card.

After that we’d strongly recommend taking to excessive drinking & the occasional use of recreational drugs to cope with the disappointment; it worked for us many, many times.

Aunts