vicar – ThursdayAgain

Dear Agony Aunts

My fiancé has run-off with the vicar & all the wedding presents.

What should I do?

“Janet”

Dear “Janet”

You don’t say if the vicar was male or female (life has got so much more complicated in recent years) although in truth it probably doesn’t make that much difference unless you want the sad loser back in your life. If you do want him back (& we’d strongly advise against it) & the vicar is a woman, there might be some chance – possibly with the aid of a domestic fire or an unfortunate drowning accident (we’ve sent you a copy of our small leaflet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them”). If the vicar is a man, forget it.

As regards the rest of the problems you should cancel the bookings for the reception venue, the caterers, the cars, the organist & the choir. It would also probably be a good idea to let the guests know – they may be able to get the price of the presents back where they have bought them using a credit card.

After that we’d strongly recommend taking to excessive drinking & the occasional use of recreational drugs to cope with the disappointment; it worked for us many, many times.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher.... — Love can be no tougher….

Dear Agony Aunts

Over many years my husband has continued to amaze me; every time I think he cannot become any more useless or disgusting he manages to prove me wrong. His latest drunken exploits, involving the vicar’s 17 year old daughter, the village hall & a soon-to-be-infamous web video, have made life extremely unpleasant for us & managed to turn the last of the neighbours to whom we were still speaking, against us.

I am planning to move away as quickly as possible but before I go, & before I can put this latest episode behind me, I’d like to take the opportunity of settling a few scores & making the move as a widow.

Any suggestions (the more unpleasant the better)?

“Jesse”

Dear “Jesse”

We’ve sent you our small pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & we suggest that you sit down with a good bottle of wine & work your way through chapters 5 – 11. We’d also especially draw your attention to chapter 17 & the various suggestions for video recording & anonymous posting on the YouTube. It should give you (& the vicar) many happy memories of what we hope will be an enjoyable, if extended, moment.

Let us know how things pan out – & remember, getting blood out of soft furnishings is best done using cold water, soft soap & potash.

Aunts