Caring & sharing #144

Dear Agony Aunts

Ever since we married back in 2002, Pete has always been a sweet & loving husband. Nothing has been too much trouble to him in making my life as perfect & as happy as possible, even putting-up with my shoe obsession. Indeed he has always been very sweet about my little ways with shoes & has been good enough to buy me some of the more expensively gorgeous pairs as gifts on birthdays, anniversaries etc. Up until a week ago, I was “living the dream.”

Can you imagine my horror when I returned home last Thursday night, after a” girls evening-out” was called-off at the last minute, to find my “one-&-only” rolling around on the floor doing something unmentionable to my best pair of D&G’s? It appears I am not the only one in the family with a few “little ways” about my footwear.

It only took 30 minutes to have the little pervert packed & into a cab & the lawyers are taking care of all the details (including a much larger shoe allowance as part of the alimony settlement) but I am heartbroken. How the hell do I clean a pair of snakeskin D&G’s with sapphire detailing (short of sand-blasting them) to remove any traces of unwanted DNA before Saturday’s “Single’s Night” at the Yacht Club?

“Twinkle-toes”

Dear “Twinkle-toes”

Although we don’t have experience of this with quality footwear, we did once have a similar problem with a pair of old wellington boots – albeit in slightly different circumstances.

We found that a mixture of sea-salt, potash and lemon juice (in roughly equal proportions) removed even the slightest trace of unwanted material – even to the point where the finest forensic labs in the country weren’t able to pin a thing on us! If you apply the mix with a soft cotton cloth & allow to dry in the fresh air, you should be ready to dance the night away by the weekend.

Party like it’s 1999 (again)!

Aunts

Love can be no tougher.... — Love can be no tougher….

Caring & sharing #139

Dear Agony Aunts

I have just discovered (on my honeymoon) that my husband is not interested in any sort of physical relationship between us. You can imagine how disappointed & upset I feel, & it’s not like there was any indication before this that there was anything to worry about. I know we hadn’t actually done “the deed” before the wedding (we both have busy jobs & travel a lot) but I’ve been banging his brother for 5 years now & never had any grounds for complaint or the faintest suggestion that he would in any way fall short of his brother’s performance (they’re identical twins).

What the hell should I do? I’m not keen on the idea of giving-up on a sex life nor sharing a life with this impotent little wimp!

“Claire”

Dear “Claire”

Surely the answer is obvious? Dump the impotent little wimp & shack-up with the brother; you probably don’t even need to go through the bloody ceremony again, since they’re identical twins, & let’s face it, no-one’s going to be any the wiser.

If the little runt objects, or the brother doesn’t want to play ball (which sounds like it would be a first) we’d suggest a small but fatal accident might be worth considering & we’ve mailed you our pamphlets “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & “Creative widowhood” which can at least ensure that you can grieve with a reasonable standard of living to look forward to.

Let us know how you get on.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #138

Dear Aunts

My husband has recently lost weight, started going to the gym & has bought a whole set of new, trendy & very unsuitable clothes. He has also started visiting a local pub which regularly has strippers & pole dancers as part of their evening “entertainments”. All this at 72-years old!

Do you think I ought to be concerned?

“Desdemona”

Dear “Desdemona”

We don’t think we need to be concerned as long as his insurance is up to date & you have a copy of the latest Will.

If you feel worried that he might be overtaxing himself in some inappropriate yet highly enjoyable fashion, we suggest that you might consider electronic tagging, or in more extreme circumstances, imprisonment. Possibly wise precautions to protect your investment & ensure you a trouble-free route to your inheritance.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #137

Dear Agony Aunts

My wife has taken to staying-out all night & attending some pretty wild parties on her own.

I don’t want to seem too heavy-handed & I know that the age difference between us means that we have different interests (she is 40 years younger than me & I tend to like an evening listening to the wireless & drinking hot chocolate) but I do worry about her getting into bad company.

We’ve only been married 2 years & she gave up a successful career as a lingerie model after a brief engagement, so that we could be together all the time, as she put it, & I sometimes think that she only married me because of the lottery win.

Any suggestions.

“Alex”

Dear “Alex”

Don’t worry; your wife is just adapting to married life & it is bound to take her a little while to settle down. In another 10 years or so you’ll find that you probably spend a lot more time together & you’ll look back on all this & laugh.

Perhaps you might try buying her a few simple gifts (diamonds are always romantic) or sending her & a party of friends on a cruise, as a way to show how much you love & trust her. It’s just a thought.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #136

Dear Agony Aunts

I wonder if you could help me with a small argument & wager that I have with my husband?

He says that it is possible for a man to hold his breath underwater for over 5 minutes & I say that this is not remotely likely. It may seem like a silly thing to fall-out over, but it all came-up when I discovered that he was having an affair with one of the women who works with him down at the Council’s “World of Water” leisure centre.

What is the best way to prove my point without going down for a long stretch?

“Jocasta”

Dear “Jocasta”

We’d suggest holding his head under in the bath, making sure to only touch his skin with a natural sponge & ensuring that you are wearing rubber gloves (which you should dispose of immediately afterwards). We’ve e-mailed you separately a copy of our small pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & would suggest you read Chapter 8 carefully, along with the appendix entitled “Forensics 101”.

To add a little verisimilitude we’d recommend making sure he has a stiff drink before he takes his last bath & emptying the contents of a bottle of Scotch into the tub before the lads in blue arrive. A few tears & you should find that you are in the clear & ready to collect on the life insurance.

Point made, wager won.

Aunts

PS. Let us know if you want any help in dealing with the floozy.

Caring & sharing #135

Dear Agony Aunts

Last weekend, after an argument, I inadvertently backed-over my husband in the entrance to the garage.

The car is quite low-slung & he seems to be pretty much wedged under the rear axle & although he has (at last) stopped all that groaning & bleeding, which can really set your teeth on edge, he is beginning to smell rather unpleasant (well, even more-so than usual).

The thing is I could really do with taking the car out to visit my sister next weekend, & nothing dampens a good drive-out than being stopped by the filth because you have the remains of a rotting spouse attached to the brake-work.

Any suggestion?

“MGB”

Dear “MGB”

Any commercial high-pressure washing system such as a Karcher will do the trick, but it can be a little difficult to reach some of those out of the way places around the suspension & brake pads. For those spots we usually rely on raising the rear-end on a ramp (it is very dangerous to undertake this sort of work relying only on a jack) & using the Karcher & stiff wire long-handled brush. Adding a couple of cups of bleach or disinfectant will always deal with the smell.

If you find the car has sustained any damage it should be fairly simple to purchase the necessary spare parts, anonymously, at any good boot fair.

Happy motoring.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #133

Dear Agony Aunts

I have recently begun to take classes in unarmed combat & self-defence – I think that in these troubled times it is important that a woman can take care of herself in even the most threatening of situations. After some 6 weeks I am reasonably good at disarming a knife-wielding thug & breaking the arm of a would-be mugger; but things do seem to moving on very slowly.

How long do you think it will take before I can beat my useless, cheating, bastard of a husband into small enough pieces to flush away the evidence.

“Karate Kate”

Dear “Karate Kate”

We think your expectations are, to honest, a little unrealistic. In truth you’re going to have to train long & hard before you can enjoy the sort of levels of performance your talking about, & its concomitant little rewards.

We’d suggest perhaps aiming a little lower to start with, both physically & metaphorically – why not aim at the groin area & at achieving a really good disabling kick, for example?

If you really are set on wreaking a very personal & final revenge on your nearest & dearest, why not switch from unarmed combat to Kendo? Six feet of bamboo can allow you to achieve a great deal in a much shorter time frame, although, as with your current plan, dealing with the Coroner’s enquiry is going to be difficult (& “flushing away” as you put it, is, unfortunately, never a serious problem for even the most jaded of forensic teams).

Aunts

The divorce #27

Debbie lost no time on letting the world know about Steve's little indiscretion.... — Debbie lost no time on letting the world know about Steve’s little indiscretion….

Caring & sharing #129

Dear Agony Aunts

My husband has recently been charged with the armed robbery of a bank & it seems likely that he will be going down – possibly for many years.

I have always been a respectable woman & I was shocked when it became clear that he had become involved with violence & a nasty type of criminal element. Do you think I should stand by him or should I get a divorce & move on.

“Lettie”

Dear “Lettie”

Marriage is not something that should be tossed aside lightly; at least not unless you know where the loot is hidden & can be sure it is enough to keep you in a degree of comfort down the long, lonely years.

Assuming all of the above is OK, ditch the bastard & take-off on a cruise.

Aunts