People with issues #128

Larry never listened to anything his wife said. Even when she said, "But the tide is out, Sweetheart." — Larry never listened to anything his wife said. Even when she said, “But the tide is out, Sweetheart.”

Caring & sharing #123

Dear Agony Aunts

My husband of 25 years has recently lost all interest in me & now spends all his time in the attic with his model railway set.

I am still a woman with “needs,” if you get my meaning, how can I rekindle the passion?

“Hillary”

Dear “Hillary”

Nothing could be simpler. There are many websites catering for the more sexually adventurous amongst us – you should be able to buy a fairly saucy ticket inspector or guard’s uniform which will excite the old fool beyond all belief.

A less demeaning solution (& this would be our choice) might be to go down to the marshaling yard & start a passionate affair with an apprentice train driver (they always look so desperate) leaving hubby to his toys.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher.... — Love can be no tougher….

Signage #66

No matter which way cut it, this seems so wrong at just every level..... — No matter which way you cut it, this seems so wrong at just every level…..

Caring & sharing #121

Dear Agony Aunts

It’s not always been easy to keep cheerful, what with the back trouble & the shipyard closing down, but I’ve tried to put on a bright face for the wife & kids.

Now I think I’ve overdone it because she’s talking about leaving me if I don’t “get off (your) fat ass & get a job” – & me with a bad back as well.

Over the past 17 years, what with the sick notes & the yard closing I have tried hard not to get under her feet, & have spent many long hours just moping around in the pub so that she could have some quality personal space & bond better with the kids – & this is the thanks that I get!

How can I make her see that she is being unreasonable?

“George”

Dear “George”

We’d strongly recommend suicide.

‘Bye.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #119

Dear Agony Aunts

Over many years my husband has continued to amaze me; every time I think he cannot become any more useless or disgusting he manages to prove me wrong. His latest drunken exploits, involving the vicar’s 17 year old daughter, the village hall & a soon-to-be-infamous web video, have made life extremely unpleasant for us & managed to turn the last of the neighbours to whom we were still speaking, against us.

I am planning to move away as quickly as possible but before I go, & before I can put this latest episode behind me, I’d like to take the opportunity of settling a few scores & making the move as a widow.

Any suggestions (the more unpleasant the better)?

“Jesse”

Dear “Jesse”

We’ve sent you our small pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & we suggest that you sit down with a good bottle of wine & work your way through chapters 5 – 11. We’d also especially draw your attention to chapter 17 & the various suggestions for video recording & anonymous posting on the YouTube. It should give you (& the vicar) many happy memories of what we hope will be an enjoyable, if extended, moment.

Let us know how things pan out – & remember, getting blood out of soft furnishings is best done using cold water, soft soap & potash.

Aunts

Caring & sharing #113

Dear Agony Aunts

I have discovered that my husband is a transvestite & he has started wearing my clothes when he is alone on the house. I am more than a little revolted by his “hobby” but I have no job, no savings & no family I could turn to for help or advice.

What should I do?

“Distraught”

Dear “Distraught”

It’s important to keep a sense of perspective at a time like this. Unless he has started chasing young men or intends to start wearing your outfits in public the situation is containable & can even be turned to your advantage. We’d suggest that you use his little secret to perhaps increase the size of your clothing budget, while at the same time insist that he has his own wardrobe (to avoid stretching, unpleasant stains etc;). At the same time make sure that he understands that your continued silence about his unusual tendencies depend on him remaining very private during his “episodes” & a significant increase in the amount spent to meet your own needs.

If he has started going out, or chasing young men, we’d suggest that that you arrange a small but fatal accident for him. Something involving panty hose, electric flex & an orange would seem to be “de rigeur” amongst politicians, but feel free to improvise as the fancy takes you (we’ve sent you our little e-pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” separately).

In any case make sure his Will & any insurance policies are up to date.

Aunts