I have recently married for the first time, I am 50, & I am finding it difficult to cope with the “upleasantness” of married life, not least the needs of a husband who is both demanding & unkind.
I fear I may have made a terrible mistake, what can I do?
“Bernice”
Dear “Bernice”
At your age you should have known better. There is no doubt that the charms of marriage are best enjoyed by the young & stupid – leaving them enough time to get over it & move on; something that is a little more difficult with advancing years.
We’d suggest that this is a time for taking the bull by the horns – do you think your husband could be persuaded to enter for the next Pamplona bull run? If that is not really his style how about a remote sailing holiday together or perhaps a romantic Fell-walking holiday during the blustery gales of March?
We’re sure you get the general idea; just make sure that he is adequately insured & that his Will is up-to-date.
As usual this year my husband’s family will come over to our place for a Thanksgiving dinner. They join us each year for a fun-filled evening of “I told you so,” “Do those kids have to do that” & “Where’s the beer?”
Also, as usual, they won’t lift a finger to help, they will eat like starved rats (but with less manners & style) & they will drink until they fall out of their chairs. I, on the other hand, will clean the house, fetch the shopping, prepare, cook & serve the meal; all before clearing away the remains of the joyous feast, washing the dishes, putting them away & dishing out more beer, whiskey & gin (this latter a favorite with Auntie Eth, who will throw-up after around 2 hours of solid drinking because of “food poisoning.”).
My husband will play his usual role of key “Where is the fridge” & “I’ll have another, while you’re up” shouter & the kids will mainly be running around shouting & trying to beat Auntie Eth to the first “throwing-up” of the day.
It’s not all bad, of course, after I’ve finished cleaning-up the vomit I’ll be able to sit down with & stare at the empty bottle of sherry I had hidden under the couch & which, it will turn-out, was knocked-back on the side by Auntie Eth to take away the taste of the “cheap gin”.
Don’t even let me get started on his mother & her “This place could do with a good clean,” or his father, who grabs my ass every time I walk past him.
Anyway, this year it will be different; I’ve bought a reasonably discrete assault rifle & a matching grenade set &, needles to say, I’m not expecting to have to look up a turkey’s ass ever again – & I’m off to sunny Venezuela by the first flight on Friday morning.
Any ideas on something novel for a “farewell” dessert?
“Elizabeth”
Dear “Elizabeth”
Don’t do it. Even the slowest plod will be pretty clear on what has happened & you will no doubt become entangled in one of those tiresomely televised “shoot-outs” that tends to end with the phrase “Before turning the gun on herself.”
Ditch the gun & grenade combo & try a little inventiveness in the kitchen. Auntie Eth (& we all have one of those) will be surprised to find out just how effective “food poisoning” can be for dealing with life’s more irritating contributors. Managed properly (& we’ve mailed you our e-pamphlet “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them”) you can finish off the whole evil brood, sob onto the comforting shoulder of a sympathetic doctor as he signs the death certificate, file the insurance claims, collect the “accidental death” certificates from the coroner & still hit the Black Friday sales.
As for a farewell dessert, how about our famous fruit surprise (see chapter 7) which does exactly what it says on the box?
Thanksgiving is a time to make sure you have something to give thanks for, in our opinion.
My husband has said that this year we should not bother with giving each other Christmas gifts; he says Christmas is only for the kids, & now that they have grown-up & flown the nest we should economize to ensure we can have a comfortable old age.
Although I wasn’t keen on a “no gifts” Christmas I could see the sense in what he said, right up to the point where he just bought himself yet another model train set. When I asked him about economizing he said that it was “an investment” & that he was only thinking of our future. Since he’s been playing with it non-stop for the last 2 weeks I think that his justification is what we call round here, “a load of old bollocks.”
How can I make sure he appreciates the depths of my dissatisfaction & at the same time enjoy a more festive Yuletide?
“Noël”
Dear “Noël”
Assuming you don’t just want to “off” the old miser we’d suggest selling his train sets on eBay & blowing the cash on a Christmas cruise. Explain that you would like to take him along but that in the interests of “economizing” you were only able to get a single ticket. If he makes too much of a fuss send us another e-mail; we have lots of ideas on how to get him “onside” – many of them involving electric cattle prods & domestic accidents.
Looking through the window I can see that as usual it’s wet, cold, unpleasant & completely dull.
I’m beginning to think that I should never have married him; any ideas?
“Weather Girl”
Dear “Weather Girl”
Time travel, temporal instant messaging, retrospective arson at the church/registry office or possibly just post-partum abortion. Only suggestions of course but we wish you well on any of them you care to try.
As a more realistic approach we have mailed you our small e-pamphlet “Husband exit management strategies” & would particularly draw your attention Chapter 11. If you do decide to proceed along the lines suggested by the pamphlet, drop us a line & we’ll be happy to send you a copy of our publication “Accidents around the home & how to engineer them” – a sure winner & bags of entertainment during these cold & wet days.
My husband has recently been convicted on multiple counts of bigamy.
I’m sure you can imagine the embarrassment I have gone through & I doubt that I shall ever be able to hold my head up in the Golf Clubhouse again.
How can I reclaim my good name while at the same time ensuring that my financial future remains secure?
“Dawn”
Dear “Dawn”
We suggest you arrange a meeting with one of your “co-wives” to sort out the details & from there take a tip from our little pamphlet “Husband exit management strategies” which we have mailed to you separately. With two of you working together it should be possible to secure both of your financial futures whilst at the same time ensuring that that the one-time recipient of your affections is in no position to re-offend.
We are unaware of any social stigma surrounding multiple-widows, so that should take care of evenings at the Golf Club.
We have been invited to a Halloween party at my husband’s parents’ house & frankly it is pretty inconvenient as I was actually planning to leave him the day before & start a new life with my golf coach in Portugal. I know that Bill is really looking forward to the party & I’d like to leave him on a bit of high note but the airline tickets and the hotel are all booked.
Any suggestions?
“Petunia”
Dear “Petunia”
We think you need to think about this very carefully. Do you really want to see your husband reduced to a wreck of a man, a hollow shell of self-doubt & misery? If you do (& what wife wouldn’t?) then change the bookings, go to the party & tell him your shipping-out just as the fun begins.
However much the re-booking fees are, they are going to be worth every penny & you’ll be leaving Bill with a very special Hallowe’en memory he will never forget.
Our new neighbors have a small puppy which keeps breaking into our garden & digging up my vegetable patch. My husband has spoken to them & they keep promising it won’t happen again, but this morning I woke up to find my prize vegetable bed completely ruined.
My husband says that we’ll just have to put up with it but it’s not his hopes for the village fete that have been trampled!
What’s the best way to prevent the mutt from spoiling my little hobby & how can I get my husband to be a little more energetic in defending my interests?
“Rosie”
Dear “Rosie”
We suggest that burying a live electric mesh will provide a small surprise for the puppy that will either cause him to avoid your garden like the plague in future, or will actually fry him into an amusingly shaped piece of charred carbon – either way it’s “problem solved”.
Motivating hubby could be a little more difficult (unless you can get him to dig the same vegetable patch) & we often recommend the purchase an electric cattle prod as a useful aid in motivational training. A few touches when he is a little slow to act on your behalf should have him leaping about like a live wire whenever he thinks you are being in any way demeaned.
I have just lost my wife & am suffering both from loneliness & a sense of guilt because I didn’t treat her better – & because I was driving & blind drunk when the accident happened. Fortunately the police decided not to prosecute (so being a freemason has paid off in the end) & I am trying to get on with my life.
How can I avoid these feelings next time & could you recommend a good dating agency?
“Tony”
Dear “Tony”
We don’t think you were supposed to have mentioned being “on the square” but in light of the rest of your mail who cares?
In future when you’re driving after tanking-up, make sure that you are alone & that you have picked the “scenic” route home. We feel pretty sure that you’ll not need to worry about feelings of guilt for long, nor indeed about finding a good dating agency – & of course, there won’t be another “next time”.
After a fairly difficult few years together my husband has started to see another woman & has said that he wants a divorce. Although frankly I can’t stand the sight of him these days I don’t like the idea of him waltzing-off with half of all our possessions & setting-up home with his floozy!
Any suggestions?
“Denise”
Dear “Denise”
Have you considered some sort of retribution against them both? We ask because if you have it would be a good idea to get something sorted out before he actually makes off with half of your worldly goods.
We’d suggest some sort of joint action which would allow you to retain your hard-earned property (& it sounds like he has been very hard work) while allowing the love birds to spend eternity together. Perhaps some sort of accident at their love nest or a dubious adulterer’s hotel, possibly involving faulty electrical good or wiring (generally undetectable or unattributable) or a fatal joint bathing incident (looks like suicide & has the benefit of dodgy sexual overtones).
If neither of the above appeal why not go for the simple & direct approach – a hit & run accident involving a stolen car, or even better, truck. With a reasonable degree of care & some basic precautions on your part, you can pretty much guarantee that the finger will not be pointed in your direction, whilst being able to make sure that the job is done properly. Indeed in our experience it can be very cathartic to make sure the job is done properly by reversing & repeating the process two or three times.
We’ve e-mailed you our small pamphlet “Husband exit management” to help you get the creative juices flowing just in case you’re looking for something a little more spectacular than our off-the-cuff suggestions.
My wife has recently eloped with a lottery winner, leaving me, our 4 kids, a sick dog & a mortgage seriously in arrears behind her.
How can I win her back?
“Lionel”
Dear “Lionel”
We’d suggest cosmetic surgery, a penis extension & winning the lottery; not forgetting of course to change your name in the meantime to “Rip” or “Randy”.
Perhaps you ought to consider whether or not you actually deserve her back – surely she is entitled to a brief (or even hopefully permanent) moment of true happiness in the arms of a man who can fully meet her needs as a woman? If you truly love her you’ll let her go to enjoy a new destiny that is beyond anything you, the kids, dog & mortgage could ever offer her; & if you’re really more worried about the mortgage why not contact her new lover to negotiate either a one-off transfer fee or monthly rental arrangement?
Time to think of her, we think, rather than your own selfish concerns.
ThursdayAgain 
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