With kind permission from Randy Glasbergen.
Tag: husband
Sharing & caring #216
Dear Agony Aunts
My new boss is a charming lady of a “certain age” & at a recent residential course run by our marketing department she suggested that we might meet-up for a drink or dinner one evening after work. Although I think that would be lovely, & I have been a widower for several years, I know that she is married. I also know that her husband is a jealous man who has previously done time for assault & battery.
How can I work on my promotion prospects without waking up in A&E?
“Keen”
Dear “Keen”
Forget promotion & concentrate on an escape plan.
Run for your life, & start running now.
Aunts
Caring & sharing #201
Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently found that my husband has been spending our retirement fund on some cheap tart who works in a lap dancing club. When I tried to talk to him about it at the weekend he simply packed his bags & moved into a fairly swanky hotel, also paid for out of our retirement fund.
To be honest I’m not really that upset to see him go (oh, if only he’d done it 20 years ago) but I do feel that our retirement nest egg is taking a bit of a beating. We’re both in our early 60’s & I had hoped that the savings would have paid for a retirement treat, such as a cruise & or a trip to see our grandchildren in New Zealand. I also think that it is a bit unfair that he is drawing out so much money for his “fling” when frankly he didn’t put that much into it; I’m a bank manager & he has been unemployed for the last 10 years, & it was me that risked 15 years for embezzlement to get the money!
I’ll be retiring next month so I could do with some advice fairly quickly on this one.
“Lucy”
Dear “Lucy”
Clearly you are a strong woman with a reasonably sophisticated moral code that allows you to do what is right, regardless of conventional morality (viz the embezzlement). To that end we’d suggest the old “insure him up to the hilt before he has an accident” ploy that has worked so well for us in the past.
We’ve already e-mailed copies of our “Husband exit management” pamphlet & our recently published “Creative widowhood” e-book which we think should prove interesting reading & might offer you some useful insights into how best to move ahead with your life without the encumbrance of either cheating husband or Coroner’s enquiry.
Enjoy your retirement.
Aunts
Sharing & caring #197
Dear Aunts
I have recently discovered that our new, young neighbours have taken to indulging in “personal intimacy” in their back garden. I’m no prude, but I do think this sort of thing is best conducted in the environs of the marriage-bed, & I am concerned that their behaviour may have an impact on property prices in the street.
I think that there ought to be something that the Resident’s Association could do, but when I raised the matter with the Chairman of the Management Committee he just laughed & said he’d “look into it” – & indeed I have seen him “looking into it” with a pair of high-power binoculars from a nearby tree! If that were not enough, this morning I found my husband, George, trying to fit a video camera to our satellite dish & at 70 years old, he’s a bit past clambering around on the roof.
Any suggestions?
“Belinda”
Dear “Belinda”
We do know how you feel, it’s so annoying when that starts happening! We’d suggest that, in the absence of an intelligent response from either the Resident’s Association, or indeed your husband (it sounds like a YY-chromosome thing) you need to address the issue of the frisky neighbours directly.
To avoid embarrassment we’d suggest rather than actually discussing their behaviour with them, which is generally unsuccessful in our experience, you should move straight on, as it were, to Phase II. This is easily accomplished without too much effort or expenditure & requires you to rent, or borrow, a large & somewhat aggressive dog (we recommend a Rhodesian Ridgeback because after lions a naked husband poses an easy target) & then ensuring that it can get into the neighbours garden every time they start to behave inappropriately. Within a week they will have put their house on the market & the husband will be attending an outpatient’s clinic to deal with his impotence.
Problem solved.
Aunts
People with issues #248
Caring & sharing #195
Dear Agony Aunts
For International Women’s Day this year I bought my wife a new ironing board & I bought my teenage daughter a new Barbie doll (she always loved them so much when she was little). Needless to say this generosity on my part was met with what I can only call sarcasm from my wife & outright “cheek” from my daughter; this in spite of my spending a significant part of my “beer money” on the two ungrateful little madams!
Don’t you agree that modern women are completely out of control? In my grandfather’s day they would have been horse-whipped around the village!
What is wrong with these self-centred hussies that they cannot even show simple appreciation for a carefully thought-out gift?
“Traditional Values (Mr.)”
Dear “Traditional Values”
We’re not so sure that out-of-control is exactly a fair description of your wife & daughter since you clearly have sufficient use of your limbs remaining to send us your carefully & cogently argued e-mail (& we assume your grandfather died in suspicious circumstances, which raises a number of issues that you might wish to consider).
Generally we consider that the main problem that modern women suffer from is men & if you wish your wife & daughter to really show some appreciation (simple or otherwise) get them to drop us a line – we are sure we can suggest any number of amusing & interesting ideas for them to repay your thoughtfulness.
Aunts
Caring & sharing #193
Dear Agony Aunts
I have always tried to be a good wife & mother but after 20 years as the former & 15 as the latter I now realise that I have been wasting my time. My husband is a lazy, idle slob who is only interested in beer, betting & busty blonde barmaids, whilst our only son, Kevin, is a certifiable moron with the sort of personality that is better suited to a wax mannequin.
Frankly I’d leave tomorrow if it weren’t for the fact that I haven’t the cash. I know that normally you are able to suggest something involving insurance payouts but I’m afraid that neither my husband nor my son are in fact insurable & so there’s no cash to be had that way.
Any ideas?
“Dot”
Dear “Dot”
You do have a problem & no mistake! It’s easy enough to arrange to get rid of the encumbrances but without some sort of compensation things look a little bleak for the future.
We’ve done a bit of research on the internet & we think that your best solution is to approach one of the unlicensed transplant clinics operating in India or the Philippines. If you can convince them that your two “assets” are worth harvesting they will take care of any unpleasant pre-op procedures at no risk or cost to yourself. Even if they’re in poor condition your loved-ones should generate around €85,000 each which will provide you with a small financial cushion until you find your feet (or feet attached to someone available & solvent).
We’ve e-mailed you a couple of contact details & please do let us know how you get on.
Aunts
Caring & sharing #190
Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently developed an unusual craving for chocolate. I just don’t seem to be able to get enough of it & not only have I put on 10 kilos over the past 2 months but I have emptied the bank account & spent a fortune on dentist’s bills.
My husband is eligible for parole in 3 weeks & he’ll kill me; what should I do?
Any ideas?
“Sweetie”
Dear “Sweetie”
It doesn’t seem likely that you’ll be able to shed 10 kilos in 3 weeks, nor find any quick way of replenishing the bank account. That only leaves one obvious way out of your dilemma & what we have to do is to ensure that your husband is not actually given parole.
We’d suggest that, in the absence of any physical proof of crimes that he might yet be charged for, that you need to sow some seeds of doubt in the minds of the Parole Board. Perhaps on the next visiting day you might dress somewhat provocatively; a simple suggestion that you may be spending some time seeking solace from your enforced celibacy might well provoke the sort of response that can be easily managed by the prison staff present but which will look bad on his record. We’d suggest that if you decide to follow this approach you should make sure that you are well out of arm’s reach when you try it.
If you don’t think that you are going to be able to provoke him, & if you really can’t finger him for some other offence, perhaps it might be possible to have one of the other lags give him a severe working over, ensuring that even if he is released it will be straight into hospital for a sufficient period to allow you to shed the weight & raise the cash (remember not to smile too much). We believe that the going rate for organising something along these lines is about 200 Marlboro.
Good luck.
Aunts
Caring & sharing #186
Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently become engaged to a woman a little older than myself but with whom I have much in common & of whom I am very fond. She is suggesting that we marry as quickly as possible & that I should formally adopt her 4 children by her first husband. He is currently in custody for an armed raid on a security firm at which a large sum of cash was taken & which has not yet been recovered; & she is keen that we should marry before his trial starts, even though her divorce is not yet through.
The thing is that my Dad, who is an High Court judge, will go ballistic when he finds out – & that’s nothing to what my Mum will say! Do you think I should get married in secret & not tell them until after my exams or do you think I should wait until after my 16th birthday in August?
“Martin”
Dear “Martin”
We think that perhaps you are a little young to be contemplating so many changes & it might be better to spend a little more time worrying about your exams.
It is clear that there is much you can bring to a relationship with your “older woman” & her children, indeed it seems likely that you might even have something to offer her present husband. We think that perhaps you should arrange a meeting between her & your father so that they can clear the air (ideally after some sort of secret wedding ceremony). We’re sure that your father will be only too happy to offer her the hand of friendship & perhaps even extend that hand to her current spouse, in order to make sure that the rest of your teenage years are not blighted by unhappy family differences & arguments.
Good luck with your exams.
Aunts
Caring & sharing #183
Dear Agony Aunts
I think my husband is cheating on me.
How can I confirm my suspicions & what should I do if he is?
“Distraught”
Dear “Distraught”
Why on earth are you harbouring all this uncertainty & doubt? Of course he’s cheating on you – he’s a man & you’re married, QED.
Having dealt with the first part of your (very brief) e-mail we’ll equally briefly dispose of the rest.
If you want to hang on to the worthless, unreliable toad, we’d suggest a short, sharp shock possibly involving a late-night tearful denunciation & an electric cattle prod. To add to the effectiveness of this approach we’d usually suggest a short visit to the bimbo to express your concerns directly – & again the cattle prod may come in handy here.
A better solution we’d suggest, is to dump the evil sod & take him for everything he has – a good female solicitor can be of use here, & we’d suggest trying to get any hearings scheduled for a female registrar, if at all possible.
If neither of the above appeals we recommend something more permanent by way of a solution, to which end we have sent you a copy of our small e-pamphlet “Creative Widowhood.”
Aunts
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